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About the Author
Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, coaches men to be better fathers and husbands. He is the author of “25 Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers”
http://www.markbrandenburg.com/father.htm. Sign up for his FREE bi-weekly newsletter, “Dads,Don’t Fix Your Kids,” at http://www.markbrandenburg.com.
When you work in the “helping professions,” you
often hear people describe their loved ones. They
sometimes let you know how much their loved ones
mean to them and some of the wonderful things
they’ve done.
But the truth is that people often see their loved
ones as problems. They see their loved ones as
causing many of the difficulties that occur in
their life.
And the thing that marks people who are doomed to
struggle with their loved ones is the exaggeration
of their faults. I recall the surprise I
experienced when I met the spouse of clients while
doing counseling.
“So this is Jack the Ripper?” I wondered, when a
perfectly reasonable man would appear with his
wife at the counseling sessions. I had been
hearing him described by his wife for five months,
and what I experienced with him was vastly
different than the person I had heard about.
This tendency to exaggerate is particularly common
with parents. Parents often believe that their
kids have serious troubles, are incorrigible, or
will never make it in the real world.
Sometimes they’re right, but most of the time
they’re just afraid.
Parents have a lot riding on the outcome of their
kids’ development. There may be no closer or more
intimate reflection of who you are than when you
look at your kids. And parents feel the pressure
of their own failure when their kids perform
“badly.”
The problems often don’t start when kids have
struggles in their performance. The problems start
when parents exaggerate their problems and
completely overreact to them. They start when a
parents’ fear overpowers their sense of reason and
patience.
You see, the development of a young person is a
process that demands a great deal of patience from
parents.
I’ve spent a great deal of time personally and
professionally developing strategies to help
parents to take responsibility for their
relationships with their kids. And since worrying
about your kids and seeing them as flawed is
tremendously ineffective, it’s also the only
choice when you’re trying to be an effective
parent.
Here are some ways to avoid exaggerating your
kids’ problems and taking responsibility for a
successful journey through parenthood:
Talk regularly with other parents, you’ll find
out they have big struggles and challenges, too!
This is a wonderful way to normalize things for
you.
Pay very close attention to how you’re seeing
your kids. One of the biggest factors in how your
kids turn out is how you see them—do you see them
as flawed and needing fixing, or do you see them
as wonderful and capable?
Talk to other people who have close contact with
your kids. Their teachers, coaches, and friends’
parents will have a different perspective than you
will.
Remember that kids develop at different speeds.
Some kids learn to walk or read earlier, and some
don’t. If your child is struggling with something,
don’t make it worse by panicking and calling in
the cavalry. Doing so may make it clear to your
child that you don’t feel they’re capable.
Remember that there will be times when you don’t
like your kids very much. This is normal stuff,
but just don’t let them know it! It will pass with
time.
Effective parents worry about their kids and
sometimes wonder whether they’re doing the “right”
things. And although they have periods when they
have their doubts, they have a core belief in
their kids that transcends most of the “problems”
their kids run into.
Remember the advice of so many parents who’ve
already raised their kids. “It will all turn out
all right, they’ll be just fine!” they say.
They’ll be especially fine if you see them as the
wonderful children of God that they are.
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