Toddler Dad is a social network and resource center for Fathers of Toddlers, just like you! Register Now (Free) - and hit the forums, get exclusive special offers, and setup a personal wishlist.
About the Author
Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, coaches men to be better fathers and husbands. He is the author of “25 Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers”
http://www.markbrandenburg.com/father.htm. Sign up for his FREE bi-weekly newsletter, “Dads,Don’t Fix Your Kids,” at http://www.markbrandenburg.com.
All of you have heard about how important it is to
“honor your children’s feelings.”
While this seems like a worthy endeavor, it’s a
fairly vague notion and can easily be dismissed,
especially when your child is crying or whining.
But If we look at the benefits of
paying close attention to your children’s
feelings, it may become an idea that has
a great deal of merit.
We’d all like to raise kids who are
well-adjusted, happy, and successful. How can we
improve our chances of raising kids who have these
qualities?
One place to start is to acknowledge the growing
body of evidence which indicates that a person’s
“emotional intelligence” is of great importance.
It’s becoming clear that having a high
emotional intelligence is a great predictor of job
success as well as personal success.
Emotional intelligence measures qualities like
awareness of your own feelings, the ability to
empathize with other people, listening skills,
etc. Once we recognize the importance of these
qualities, we can ask how parents can help to
foster these qualities in their children.
The first step in fostering emotional intelligence
in your children is to make a fundamental shift in
your view of parenting. Many parents see their
role as someone who responds to their children’s
bad behavior, and attempts to “mold” them
according to certain ideals. Not only can this be
ineffective, it can actually increase the “bad”
behavior by giving it extra attention.
A different way of parenting is to commit yourself
to helping your children become more connected to
their own emotions and to their families. It
recognizes that your children will be having
intense emotional experiences almost every day of
their life. It calls for you to assist your kids
in learning how to manage these powerful emotions
and to model this behavior yourself.
It begins in your home every day. It begins when
you stop dismissing your kids’ feelings by saying
things like, “Come on, it’s OK, don’t cry,” or
“You should want to go to your piano lesson.”
It’s very difficult to see your kids being sad or
angry. But when you deny the validity of their feelings,
you further disconnect your kids from being able to
identify and deal with those feelings. In other words,
you lower their emotional intelligence.
To raise the emotional intelligence of your kids,
there are a number of things you can do.
Here are some ideas:
Start making it a habit to identify your own
feelings as well as the feelings of others. Try
not to label people. Instead of saying, “He was a
real jerk,” you could say, “He seemed very angry.”
Stop trying to cheer your kids up when they’re
upset. They need to know their feelings are being
acknowledged, and need to know you’re there to
listen and understand.
Do all that you can to keep your own emotional
life balanced so that you can be there for your
kids. If you’re overwhelmed or off balance, you
cannot be a source of emotional support for your
child.
Be a great listener. When your child has
something to say, try to drop what you’re doing
and focus completely on what they’re saying.
Skillful reflection back of what they’ve
said to you will show them they’ve been heard, and this
is a great help to kids wrestling with intense feelings.
Help your kids to identify what they’re feeling
by being specific with your questions. It’s often
helpful to ask something like, “Are you feeling
sad?” or “Are you feeling angry?” Pay
attention to your child’s response to your
questions or comments about their feelings. Your
goal is to help your child process their feelings
and to work through them, not to fix anything or
to tell them if they got it “right.”
One of the most difficult things about being a
parent is being with children when they aren’t at
their best. Whining and crying from children seems
to bring out the worst in most parents.
The great irony of this is that the more parents
encourage their kids to “get over” whatever
emotional difficulties they’re having at the time,
the more of these emotional difficulties will crop
up.
Kids who don’t feel “heard” emotionally tend to
either shut down or to get louder.
Neither of these seems like a very good choice.
Our kids would live in a happier, healthier world
if they were raised in an environment in which
their feelings were honored.
When parents learn the secrets of creating that
environment they’ll be an important part of that
process.
Toddler Dad provides general information and is designed for educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your own health or the health of your child, you should always consult with a physician or other healthcare professional. Please review the Terms of Service and Privacy Policy before using this site. Your use of the site indicates your agreement to be bound by the Terms of Service.
Save to del.icio.us
|
Moms - Tell Your Partner About Toddler Dad
|
Site Map
About the Author