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About the Author
Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, coaches men to be better fathers and husbands. He is the author of “25 Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers”
http://www.markbrandenburg.com/father.htm. Sign up for his FREE bi-weekly newsletter, “Dads,Don’t Fix Your Kids,” at http://www.markbrandenburg.com.
“Guys, get out of the mud! How many times do I have to
tell you?”
The words spilled out of my mouth. I felt myself
re-creating the same words my parents had said to me so
many times in the past, and I felt powerless to change
my kids’ actions. An alarming thought came to me, one
that comes to most fathers at some point:
“Am I becoming my father?”
We were on a short vacation, and my daughter and son
were doing one of the things eight and six-year-old
kids like to do--playing in mud. They weren’t rolling
or wrestling in it, just splashing in it with their
boots, and enjoying the feeling. You know, one of those
feelings that we adults are far too “adult” to enjoy
anymore.
It was the third and last day of our trip, and I’d been
with the kids on a solo mission to northern Minnesota.
My wife had stayed home to catch up on work issues, and
to enjoy some time to relax. And while we’d experienced
some great times on the trip, it didn’t feel too great
at the moment. I was struggling with something many
fathers struggle with: a gnawing sense of impatience
with my kids, and a feeling I should be in control of
their behavior.
My son turned around to me and said, “Dad, relax, it’s
OK!” I smiled back at him, realizing he was right.
Indeed, the mud could be washed off. No lives were in
danger.
The only problem here was my desire to control them.
I wanted to thank him for his reminder. It’s useful to
remember that our kids are not to be controlled. They
are to be guided and led, but not controlled. This
impatience and desire to control can lead many fathers
to an emotional disconnect with their kids. And while
many fathers have an acute awareness of this issue,
they convince themselves that it can’t be helped.
The truth is that it can be helped, and fathers can
transform the relationship they have with their kids.
Here are some of the steps:
Accept responsibility for your issues and your part
in this “problem.” Identify your “irrational thoughts,”
things like, “I should be in control of this
situation,” or, “My kids should always obey me
immediately.”
See how these irrational thoughts play out when
you’re with your kids. When does it tend to happen?
What do you do? Being aware of these thoughts goes a
long way towards helping you to respond to them—not
react to them with anger.
Get some help to identify these issues from someone
who’s familiar with you. Your spouse, a close friend,
or coach can help you sort it out.
When you do feel these feelings of impatience or a
lack of control, practice “being with the feelings.”
Don’t fight them. Use a calm voice—no yelling, shame,
or criticizing. Stay with the feelings until they pass.
Don’t worry, you’ll make it through, and you will get
better at it!
As we neared the end of the five-hour trip home, I
noticed that my kids had gotten along perfectly, and
hadn’t complained once about the length of the drive.
They spent most of their time quietly drawing.
Finally, I said, “You two are so nice to travel with.
You’re so patient and get along so well!”
As I drove the last stretch toward home, I realized
again that we can’t control our kids, but we can
control what we pay attention to. If we can catch them
in the “act” of doing wonderful things, and let them
know about it, we’ve solved most of the “problem.”
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