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About the Author
Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, coaches men to be better fathers and husbands. He is the author of “25 Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers”
http://www.markbrandenburg.com/father.htm. Sign up for his FREE bi-weekly newsletter, “Dads,Don’t Fix Your Kids,” at http://www.markbrandenburg.com.
I needed a screwdriver. Passing the bag of recycled cans on
the steps, I went straight to the tool shed in the garage
and claimed my screwdriver. “Why would you walk right by
this bag of cans and not take it out to the garage?” my wife
shrieked.
“Well, I was thinking about the screwdriver and didn’t
notice the cans,” I said defensively.
As my wife left the area shaking her head, I knew that I was
guilty of a specific offense—being male. You see, we males
are interested in goals and tasks to be done. When we have a
task, very little is allowed to get in the way. It’s a trait
shared by most males, and one that drives many wives to the
brink of insanity.
This fundamental difference in men and women is the source
of most of the conflicts that occur between husbands and
wives in our country today. He focuses on tasks to be done
and individual goals, and she focuses on the relationships
in the family, or what needs arise for the family as a
whole. Both sides believe that they have the same
priorities—to help the family. But when each side is coming
from such a vastly different perspective, conversations can
fall apart in a matter of moments.
“What more does she want?” I used to say to myself. “I’m
doing all these things around the house!” What she really
wanted was for me to pay closer attention to the family as a
whole. She wanted me to think about whether lunches were
packed for the next day and whether our daughter should be
playing soccer or some other activity. She wanted me to
think about a better system in the morning to get the kids
off to school. And yes, she wanted me to take out the
recycling bags when I was on my way out the door anyway.
As a father and husband, I’ve seen the value in seeing the
family from the “whole” perspective. I feel better able to
stay close to the lives of my kids. My wife appreciates the
help and feels like she has a “partner” in the family. My
kids see what a loving relationship really looks like. And
in a country with a divorce rate of around 50%, modeling a
committed relationship to your kids is an incredible gift.
There may be no other thing you can do for your kids that
will have as much influence.
If you’re a husband and father who’s interested in figuring
out the needs of your family, rather than what tasks need to
be done, here are some ideas:
Start by just trying to use a “needs of the family” focus
for one day. See what changes happen for you, and go from
there. Sometimes all you need is a starting point.
Take account of the areas where you need to improve (your
wife will help you identify them quickly!). These might be
spending more time in planning for the family, time with the
kids, etc.
Write down the ways in which you may be diverting your
time and energy away from being more involved in the needs
of your family. This might be TV, golf, work that isn’t
absolutely necessary, etc.
Find a way to shift from the goal-directed mode at work to
the needs-directed mode at home. Use the drive home to make
this shift. Start by thinking of questions you can ask your
family and what your family might need.
Men aren’t to blame for the problems in American families
today. But they do have opportunities to make their family
life better and more fulfilling. They have a chance to
improve the lives of everyone in their family by taking the
risk that all family men face: the risk of being intimately
involved in their family. The risk of being incompetent and
messy at things they’re not good at. And diving into a place
where there’s nothing to “fix.”
American families don’t need “men as islands” anymore. They
need men who are willing to join with their families in a
way they may never have learned.
And if they have the courage to learn this new way, I don’t
think their families are going to mind a few mistakes.
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